There’s a guy who writes books and blogs for a living. His name is Mark Manson. I like his books, because he talks a lot of sense and unlike other self-help books where they use academic expressions and language with such a high register that even Shakespeare would have needed a dictionary to make sense of what they’re trying to say, he uses every-day language. It feels like he is talking to you, because that is what he is doing. But enough said about self-help books. I will write about them a little later in this book, because I have mixed feelings about them.
But, to carry on and not get side-tracked: He wrote a book that was very controversial at the time called The Subtle Art of not Giving a Fuck. The next paragraph contains spoilers, so if you wish to read that book first and then come back, be my guest.
The main message that I took away from this book is to spend your emotional energy where it matters most: In other words, where it can do the most amount of good for you and those around you. I tried it this morning.
Transport has always been blindman’s biggest problem – at least for me. I met a person who said that he would convey me from my home to my work and back each day in exchange for some of my hard-earned cash. He is a very nice and caring person, so we get along nicely. This morning he phoned me to say that he’s going to be late because of an accident. At first it was five minutes which became ten minutes, twenty minutes, twenty five minutes.
What you need to know about me is that I am not a very patient person. Yes, yes, patience is a virtue and all that other bullshit, but it has always been a failing of mine to learn to be patient. I am trying, but it’s hard going. I needed all my emotional energy to keep my mounting frustration in check. If there’s one thing I hate, then it is to be late. If there is something I hate even more, then it is to fuck other people around by being late myself. Yes, life happens, but at least try to be in time. I did let my manager know that I would be late, but still… It rankles.
It was, unfortunately for me, during this time that my wife asked me if I can’t take an Uber. Many blind people find it hard to visualize their neighborhoods or the streets that makes it up. There are two ways of getting to our place and one of them was blocked. You would assume that the Uber App would be smart enough to guide its drivers around accidents, but the keyword here is “assume”. I don’t assume, because assume is making an ass out of you and me. The second way is much longer than the first and would cost extra money. This after my driver is already about a kilometer away from us, stuck in traffic. It’s not his fault that he is stuck, but he was technically on his way to me which means that I would have to pay him for the trip as well as Uber. What a mess.
By this time he was 30 minutes late and I was already not in a good mood, but I breathed in deeply and answered as calmly as I could” “The chances of the Uber getting stuck in traffic are too great.” This wasn’t calmly enough, but my wife stormed off in a huff, saying that I was curt towards her.
By this time I was already thirty-five minutes late and I went into the main house (we are renting from my in-laws), and my mother-in-law asked me what happened. So, I told her. “I wonder what happened.” She asked. To this I replied that I don’t care, because I’m late to which she replied that everybody else in the traffic jam is also late. I then said that I don’t particularly care, because they don’t particularly care about the fact that I will now be forty minutes late for work. Just after that I felt bad for saying this.
I do realize that the people who caused the accedent are not to blame. But, at the same time, I also realized that flying off the handle is not going to help anybody and that by keeping my patience is the key to be civil towards my fellow man. In other words: I didn’t give a fuck about the other people stuck in traffic, but, at the same time, I felt guilty for not caring. But what could I do to improve their situation? The obvious answer is nothing.
Personally I thought I handled the situation quite well. I did not lose my patience, nor my temper and I was fairly civilized towards my driver when he came forty-five minutes after his first call to tell me that he will be late.
Why do I then feel guilty for not giving a fuck? Is it because I have not tried it enough? Is it because my mother taught me to care? Is it perhaps the fact I may feel subconsciously that society expects me to care? I don’t know. All I know is that not giving a fuck is a bit harder than I thought it would be. Perhaps it will become easier the more I do it. Don’t understand me wrong. What Mark Manson is saying is not to stop caring at all. He says that you should use your emotional energy wisely. Give it and use it where it will bring a positive return to your life. Learn to filter out things you can’t change and work towards changing those things that are under your control
It is now a few days later and I came to the realization that I was brought up to care about others. I was tought to feel for others when something bad happens to them. I also realized that I cannot change their situation unless I physically go out and do something about it. Accepting the guilt, standing back from it and dis-identifying from the emotion has helped me to understand that: Yes, you do have the right to feel emotions, but it’s what you do with that feelings that matter. You cannot allow your impatience and frustration to rule your behavior. You cannot take it out on the people around you or else you are a dick. Yes, it’s easy to hit out at the people around us; they are, after all, close to us. We don’t have to go and find a target. But it causes a lot of hurt and if we really care about those we love, why do we want to cause them pain? Is the human rase so selfish that we want to drag everybody around us into the same pain so that we won’t be suffering alone?
These are questions you have to answer for yourself. Go to a quiet place and think about it. It is easier for some people, but for an impatient person like myself, these questions have the possibility to be life-changing.